


Metal Gear Infiltration

by Will_Keaton



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Bad Fic, Deliberate Badfic, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 13:08:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12727164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Will_Keaton/pseuds/Will_Keaton
Summary: Lt. Snake and his Snake Men must stop the evils of Colonel Vermon CaTaffy and Higharolla Kockamamie.





	Metal Gear Infiltration

The radar-invisible stealth chopper ducked and weaved through the deadly enemy radar waves. Aboard the chopper was Commander South, and the ultra soldiers the Snake Men, led by the legendary Lt. Snake. 

“Lt. Snake,” Commander South said, “We are now miles above Ishkabibil, capital of the enemy territory Teristan. It is here where you will find Fortress Fanatic, home of the deadly Higharolla Kockamamie.”

“He is the most evil of men,” Lt. Snake said thoughtfully.

“Indeed. That is why he won the “Merciless Man of the Year” award eight years in a row. But things are even worse. He has teamed up with Colonel Vermon CaTaffy. CaTaffy grew up in Mongolia, trained to be a master terrorist by his 27 sisters. Now he has stolen plans for a super-weapon and given them to Kockamamie. If we do not act quickly the world could be doomed.”

“I understand Commander. Those two will never be able to hide from justice.”

“Good.” South turned to the other two Snake Men, John Turner and Nick Myer. “You two will back-up Lt. Snake. We cannot afford for this mission to fail.” The two Snake Men nodded. “Don't forget, our foxy agent Jennifer has already infiltrated Ishkabibil. Meet up with her and she will tell you everything she knows.”

“We will do our best sir,” the Snake Men replied.

“One more thing,” Commander South continued, “you cannot carry weapons of any kind. They will slow you down.” Commander South saluted his men and said, “Now make America proud!”

After giving salutes, the three Snake Men threw their muscular bodies out of the stealth chopper. They pulled their parachutes, but the wind picked up and they were separated before they landed. As Lt. Snake touched down he disturbed a group of monkeys, which began screaming and hollering.

“Commander South,” Lt. Snake said over the radio, “I have landed safely and am ready to begin the mission.”

Before he could do anything, Lt. Snake heard a guard coming, so he ran up a tree. The guard was drawn by the sound of monkeys, but when he failed to notice Lt. Snake, he fell asleep. Using his muscular body, Lt. Snake climbed down the tree and rabbit punched the guard, then took his machine gun and his knife.

Lt. Snake continued through the jungle until he reached the desert. Unfortunately it was not long before he ran into a problem. “Careful Lt. Snake,” Commander South said over the radio, “those are trained killer scorpions.”

But Lt. Snake already knew what to do. His instincts told him to shoot at the scorpions with his massive machine gun, with red blood running through his veins. Soon enough the trained killer scorpions were dead.

Before long Lt. Snake had crossed the desert and reached more jungle. Then Lt. Snake smelled something. He found a panther musk on the jungle floor. “My instincts tell me that this will come in handy later,” Lt. Snake said as he picked up the panther musk and put it in his backpack.

His objective, Fortress Fanatic, was close now. But first Lt. Snake had to get past all the guard dogs. When the dogs smelled Lt. Snake they charged at the soldier. Using his instincts, Lt. Snake knew to get down on all fours and yowl like a cat. This worked and scared away all the dogs.

Lt. Snake had to sneak past the main gate. He used his instincts and masterful sneaking abilities to approach the soldier guarding the front gate. To distract the guard Lt. Snake used the oldest rick in the book. He threw his voice, crying “LaLiLuLeLo” and the guard turned to see what the source of the noise was. Then with his manly muscles, Lt. Snake rabbit punched the guard into unconsciousness. Using the guard's security keycard, Lt. Snake was able to enter through the main gate.

Now Lt. Snake was faced with a dilemma. He could spend a minute walking to the fortress, but time was of the essence, so he stole a truck and drove it up to the main gate before stealthily jumping out and walking inside.

The security keycard helped Lt. Snake open many doors inside the fortress. Unfortunately, it was not long before he ran into Higharolla Kockamamie's quarterback mercenary team. Lt. Snake used his instincts to have the quarterbacks chase him, and Lt. Snake ran into a room. The quarterbacks followed Lt. Snake into the room, but they did not realize that the room had a trapdoor inside and they all fell into the hole. One tried to climb out but using his muscular body Lt. Snake rabbit punched him.

Sneaking through the corridors of the fortress, Lt. Snake opened a door and saw a man. He pulled out his machine gun and was about to shoot, when he recognized the man. “John Turner, it's you!”

“It's so good to see you alive,” John Turner said to Lt. Snake. “I have learned that Kockamamie and CaTaffy are building a Metal Gear 2.”

“Metal Gear 2!?” Lt. Snake said.

“Yes. They are shipping it out on a boat today. Metal Gear 2 is indestructible, but the boat isn't.”

Lt. Snake's instincts told him what John Turner was thinking. “You want me to blow up the boat while it is in open water.”

The two Snake Men snuck aboard the boat just before it left dock. They made their way to the cargo hold where John Turner pointed out three crates. “Two of them are booby-trapped and will explode if we try to open them. The other has the C4 we need to sink the ship.” Lt. Snake pondered this for a moment, but using his instincts he knew the crate on the far right was safe, so they opened it and took all the C4.

Lt. Snake placed his C4 along the starboard side of the boat, while John Turner planted his C4 on the port side. Meeting again at the back of the boat Lt. Snake and John Turner detonated all the C4. There was a massive explosion, and the two Snake Men jumped into the water and began the long swim back to the shore.

Unfortunately, the two Snake Men became separated in the stormy seas. Lt. Snake fought against the tides, and just when he thought all was lost, he washed up on the shore along Ishkabibil's coastline.

“Lt. Snake,” Commander South called over the radio. “Nick Myer is at the fortress's train yards. They are trying to send out another Metal Gear 2 by rail!”

Lt. Snake ran to the train yards, dodging the searchlights of the many gyrocopters. There he met up with Nick Myer.

“It is good to see you are still alive Lt. Snake,” Nick Myer said. Together the two Snake Men snuck aboard the train just as it was leaving the station. Lt. Snake used his instincts to get past the train's many booby-traps. Then, to their great surprise, they found John Turner in the train's prison cell.

“John Turner!” Lt. Snake was so glad to see his friend. He used his knife to cut him free of the rope that was restraining him.

“You fool!” John Turner said as he tackled Lt. Snake's muscular body. “The real John Turner is dead! I am nothing more than an imposter!” The imposter took off his coat to reveal a bomb-vest. “Now I will blow us all to kingdom come!”

“No!” Nick Myer cried. He pulled the fake John Turner off of Lt. Snake and the two began to wrestle. “Get out of here!” Nick Myer told Lt. Snake. Even though he didn't want to leave, Lt. Snake's instincts told him that he had to. So Lt. Snake jumped out of the train. He watched it travel down the tracks for a few seconds, until it exploded into a massive fireball.

“Lt. Snake!” Commander South called over the radio. “Our foxy secret operative Jennifer has been captured!”

“Don't worry commander! I will rescue her!” Lt. Snake followed the train tracks back to the fortress. Sneaking back inside Lt. Snake made his way to the prison cells. On his way there he ran into a problem. The floor of one hallway was lined with microwave emitters that would fry him alive. Fortunately, there were pipes running along the ceiling, so Lt. Snake jumped up and grabbed one. Unfortunately, the pipe was carrying steam, thus heating up the pipe so much that Lt. Snake burned his hands. It took all of his manly willpower, but Lt. Snake did not let go. He climbed along the pipe, down the hallway, until he was clear of the superheated floor.

Finally, Lt. Snake reached the prison cells. Inside the largest cell was Jennifer, but she was not alone. Higharolla Kockamamie was in there with her!

“You will tell me who you are working for!” Kockamamie shouted.

Lt. Snake bashed open the door and pointed his machine gun at Kockamamie. Kockamamie grabbed Jennifer and used her body as a shield.

“Very clever you American pig-dog. But I will have the last laugh!”

Lt. Snake's instincts told him to open fire and mow down both Kockamamie and his hostage. So he did. Kockamamie lay on the ground bleeding. Lt. Snake walked up to the dying man, pulled out his knife, and drove it into Kockamamie's brain. Then he turned his attention to Jennifer.

“I'm sorry Jennifer,” Lt. Snake said.

“At least Kockamamie is dead. But Colonel CaTaffy is still alive. He is in the main hangar with a Metal Gear 2. He intends to use the Metal Gear 2 to launch a nuclear missile at New York. You have to stop him Lt. Snake.”

“Actually, my real name is Justin Halley.”

Then Jennifer died.

Lt. Snake made his way out of the cell and used his sneaking abilities to cross the fortress until he found the main hangar. The door was locked, so Lt. Snake karate punched a hole in the brick wall. Inside he found Colonel CaTaffy with the Metal Gear 2.

“So. You have found me. But now you will die!”

“Tell that to my machine gun!” Lt. Snake shouted as he drew his machine gun.

“Fool! What you do not realize is that I am a highly sophisticated cyborg!” Then Colonel CaTaffy ripped off his flesh to reveal a robot skeleton underneath.

Lt. Snake was shocked, but he fired his machine gun until he ran out of bullets.

“You see?” Colonel CaTaffy taunted. “Bullets cannot harm me!”

Lt. Snake was in a pickle, but his instincts told him now was the time to use his secret weapon. He loaded his machine gun with the panther musk, then opened fire on Colonel CaTaffy. The cyborg immediately caught on fire.

“No!” Colonel CaTaffy swayed back and forth, the fire impairing his ability to move. Now was Lt. Snake's chance. He ran past Colonel CaTaffy and entered the Metal Gear 2. Using his instincts, Lt. Snake was able to pilot the Metal Gear 2 and pointed the nuclear missile launcher at the ground. The missile launched into the ground, and the nuclear fireball engulfed Lt. Snake, Colonel CaTaffy, and all of Ishkabibil. Now, his mission over, Lt. Snake could rest in peace.


End file.
